Letter to a dad that doesn't care...

Dad,

Or should I even call you that anymore? Because I really could care less that you are even my dad let alone in my life! Why? Why have you done all of these things to me my brother and my sister. I honestly wish I had never had you as my dad! I wish you weren’t my dad!!  I hope you live in regret for what you did to us! I sat in the floor curled up BALLING MY EYES OUT!!! Because you lied to me!!! I hope you feel the pain I felt for the past freakn 9 YEARS!!!  Words can not and will not ever fully describe how much you hurt me!! And this is just me you have hurt 6 other people!! How could you?!?!? I don’t even know what else to say to you anymore! I have tried EVERYTHING to get our relationship to work out. It was all a big joke though wasn’t it? Because you knew all along that you were lying! If you only knew…If you really only knew…I don’t want you anymore. As I sit here typing this letter I wanna just ball my eyes out, when really I am completely and totally out of tears now. I have shed them all it feels like! I am so filled with anger towards you. I know its not right but what do I do with all of this anger!? YOU TELL ME?!?! Because your getting by pretty well with hiding your anger aren’t you?

That’s all you really are…Filled with anger, rage, bitterness, sadness, hate, and honestly your filled with the Devil! And you are in a pit that is going to be really really hard to get out of because of how deep you have dug your hole! You can fix this by yourself your mommy and daddy cant fix it only YOU and GOD! Have you ever even tried to let God in??? Have you asked God to forgive you for lying, having affairs, cheating, committing adultery, not bringing up your children in a Godly manner? I honestly doubt it… I have tried SOOOOOOO hard to let things go with you. Every single time something like this comes up with you I let it go. NOT THIS TIME! This time I am taking a stand! I’m tired of being a weak person when I know deep down inside there is this Sarah that wants to fight! But Sarah can’t do this on her own either she needs God to! Sarah is confused, hurt, uncared for by her father, upset, depressed, sad, angered, and yet her own father doesn’t see it..Why? Why doesn’t her father see it? It's because she feels like her own father doesn't even care about her. At all!! If you cared you would have been there for me for the past 9 years of my life! But, you weren’t. You say “I love you Sarah, I care about you”…No you don’t! You really don’t. I guess I will just live the rest of my life with out a dad now. I have been getting along “just fine” for 9 years. So don’t talk to me again unless you are ready to do some confessing because I don’t want anything to do with a lying father! You have just lost something that is going to take forever to get back. And that is your daughter!

How could you do this to me!? I am so lost right now because of all of the lies you have told! I know so much yet you don’t know the things I know! The only reason why you don’t know that I know is because I didn’t find out from you.

                When I was 7 years old you told me you were leaving my family. That was the day that my life changed. I’m pretty sure you really don’t fully understand how much my life changed. And it wasn’t a good change, it was a bad change. Thank you for ruining my life. Thank you for lying to me. Thank you for every horrid thing you ever did to me. Because of you I have trusted God more than I ever have! Ya I don’t have a dad anymore but I have God. When Nancy came over that one night I SAW you kiss her little did I know that there was a women before her…how many freaking affairs did you have while you were married to mom?!?!?! How could you!!!??

                Now lets skip ahead to 9years old. Remember the night I ran away. Why did I run away? BECAUSE . OF. YOU! You did that to me! You made me want to kill myself yes, I tried killing myself several times because of you when I was 9 years old!

                13 years old I tried killing myself again 5 times at the least!

                15-16 years old to present day…Well there has been SOOOOOOOO much that you don’t know that happened to me. And maybe you don’t care which wouldn’t surprise me. Last November remember our fight? Well I definitely do. I remember what you made me want to do. You and me got into a fight because you didn’t come to my tournaments because you “didn’t have enough money” IT WAS 2 freaking DOLLARS!!!! 2 $ What a freakn lie!!!!! And a joke!!! And not to mention I got into another fight with my grandpa which made me wanna do what I did even more! I tried killing myself that night. But it’s ok if you don’t care you haven’t cared for 9 years so its fine. I got into a cutting addiction in February because of you. I tried working things out with you but you never listened to how I feel.

                June I found out that you were getting yet ANOTHER divorce…what is that now 5 women that you have married? Yepp pretty sure that’s how many…Ya I know bout the other women as well. I ain’t as stupid and ignorant as you. I know why you got a divorce it wasn’t  Nancy’s fault at all. It was ALL you! You cheated on her! How dare you do that to her! You kept my brother and step sister away from me. I don’t like you, I don’t like Jess, I don’t like your parents either.I could care less that you are my father! I hate you sooooo much! And you won’t be able to change my mind on any of the feeling that I feel right now. I hope your happ with yourself and have a good life with out me in it because I don’t wanna see you again, talk to you gain, have anything to do with you ever again. I know that Jess is pregnant I know that you have lied to my brother I know that you have lied to my mom about Jess being over at your parents house when trevor is over. And with all honesty I don’t want her around ANY of my siblings. You can choose your kids…or her? It’s your choice but If you choose her then you don’t have to worry about us anymore just like you have for the past 9 years of our lives so you can go with her. You are so immature. And another thing don’t you EVER EVER call my mother names again! Or there will be problems not there already isn’t. I am so protective of my sibling and my mom you don’t even know you ever lay a hand on her or any of my siblings I will literally beat the crap out of you! I may not be able to do much damage but I will NOT stand for you using words that are hurtful towards them! It WILL NOT happen with me around! I MEAN THAT! You have lost so much and are gaining nothing from your lies. I hope that you hurt! I hope that you feel the pain that I have felt for the past 9 freaking years of my life! No one likes you! I honestly could care less that you have any one to lean on for this time of your life.

                People at your work have seen what you have done to your kids. They don’t like it either they know about you cheating on Nancy with Jess. They see what you are doing. But you don’t because you see YOU. You don’t see everyone else in your life only you! It’s all about you, you, you, you! I hope your happy with that. Because you are very selfish being! I don’t want you anymore! I literally had an emotional break down the other night screaming, kicking, and balling my eyes out saying , “hate him, I don’t want him anymore, I don’t care anymore, I want him gone”. I remember what I would do to try and fix us. But it was all for nothing now because really me trying to spend time with you di nothing for us obviously because you got your way and kept lying to me. You didn’t even tell me about the divorce or Jess or that you lied to me. You haven’t even admitted that you had an affair. YOU HAVE BEEN CAUGHT! There is no way out this time for you. In all seriousness there really is no way out for you! I honestly feel bad for your selfish decisions because this is where they have you now. You sir are stuck in a HUGE hole that YOU have dug for yourself. SUCKS TO BE YOU! I honestly don’t even care!

                I hate you so, so, so, so much!!! You have affected me like no one has ever affected me EVER! I don’t care anymore. I don’t want you in my life. I don’t want a relationship with you anymore. You say you care about me and love me. You liar. You deceiver. HOW DARE YOU?!?!?!? You are pathetic.  Words really and truthfully can’t describe how much you hurt me. I’m so incredibly done with you. I just can’t even express to you…

                If you make my brother go next week for thanksgiving I will be out at that truck taking my brother from you and if I need to I will grab him from you! I will not watch my brother go with such a horrible person on thanksgiving. I don’t want him around you. I promise you will never see me again. I already get mad thinking about him going with you next week. I don’t care if its going with you for a minute. There is a minute for you to brain wash him again. And tell him to lie to my mom and my family! That is so wrong on so many levels you don’t even know! You don’t tell someone to lie and get away with it. Especially with me! I will not stand for it any longer! YOU MAKE ME SO FILLED WITH ANGER!!!! I HATE THIS!!! I hate being mad and angry. And it’s because of you! You’re a horrible father to all of your kids! I hate you so much! I sometimes wish I wasn’t born into your family because then I wouldn’t have to be typing this letter that I’m never going to give to you. But you have made me so mad that I literally can’t even think straight anymore. I have not even been able to go to school because of you. I just wanna go lock myself in my room and stay there for a while just so that I don’t have to deal with this stress that you have put on me. I have been caring your burdens for to long and I’m done with it! These aren’t my burdens to bare any longer. They never were my burdens to carry. They were yours. You made me lie to mom. That isn’t right. You’re horrible!

                I have so much on my plate right now! I have court that I have to deal with next week I have to go to a councilor again because you have messed me up so much!

Have a nice life with out me because I don't wanna deal with you or your crap anymore I can't do it anymore..

Sarah

pictures with the sisters :D<3

I love who I am... but I need you to fix me to glorify You!

Dear God,
Thank you for the answer to prayer about my dad our relationship is already getting better! I thank you so much! God you are so amazing!!! God I know I said I wanted to change my attitude but Its so hard when I have so much anger built up in side of me but how can I get rid of this anger and not take it out on the ones I love? Please PLEASE! HELP ME!!! I can't do this on my own and you know that! I wanna try harder to serve you with my life!
Help me take things one step at a time and help me start on something that I need to fix and show me what I need to fix in my life because I'm tired of living like this! I don't like the person that I am! Now don't get me wrong there are lots of things I like about myself such as, the way I look I may feel as if I look like crap but if I do that I know that I'm just saying what you created is crap and I don't like is but, I do like how I look. I love my family even though we struggle with things I always remember that you are in control of it all! I love the guy you put in my life to help me go through things together he is an amazing boyfriend! I am so incredebly blessed to have him. I love my life I really do! I love my personality!
But the things I want to fix are my attitude, my relationship with you needs to be stronger! I want to have a better relationship with my mom as well! Lord please just help me be a better person! Help me enhance myself to honor you! Change me! God you know my heart! And you know I mean every single word I say in these letter to to you! So God I pray and ask these things in your Heavenly marvelous name! Amen!

Bible verses that mean a lot to me!

Matthew 25:40~ I'm telling the solemn truth; whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored that was me- you did it to me!

This verse is basically saying if we do something wrong to others we are basically hurting Him! Because it says that we are to treat others with the love of God!.....Think about it..

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,"declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for hope and a future.

This has been my life verse for 2 years now. The reason why is because I sometimes feel like there is literally no more purpose for me so why in the world do you want me hear God? It's because He has a purpose for me! It's not going to hurt me in the future and it's going to prosper me! I can't wait until God's plan is finished!

Psalm 139:14

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful.

This is such an amazing verse because I love knowing that I am wonderfully made no matter how people see me I always no that God thinks I'm perfectly made! I love it soooooo much!!!

John 16:33

I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace in this world you will have trouble , but take heart for I have overcome  the world.

I love, love, LOVE this verse because it fits my life very well. There are so many things that come up in my life , but this verse reassures me in knowing that my Saviour has already overcome the bad things in my life! :) God is amazing!!!

Ephesians 4:26-27

In your anger do not sin: do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

If you are upset with someone DO NOT WAIT TO TELL SOMONE YOU ARE UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING!!!! This is so very important because if you keep being angry at someone then you are just going to be even more angry at them in the future CONFRONT THEM! BUT! remember to do it in a christian loving way don't be like O you did this, this, and this wrong and I don't like it. Say instead Hey I've noticed this and question them with is this really what God would want you to do. Don't be a hypocrite about it either is you do the same thing that you are getting on to them for then fix yourself before you tell them to fix them!

Phillipians 1:27

Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ.

Act as if God was with you all the time...cause in reality He really is! Really ask yourself this question how would I act if God were standing with me all the time?

1 John 3:15

Anyone who hates his brother is a murder; and you know that no murder has eternal life in him.

God sees hate as murder LOVE your enemies even when they do you wrong a million times! Love them no matter what!

My letter to my Daddy!

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Dear Daddy,

So there are some things that I think you should know about what exactly the divorce really did to me. First off when I was nine years old, I not only ran away once but 2 times. Dad do you remember why I did it? It was because you told me that you were going to marry Nancy! Not only did that happen but I suffered through a depression at the age of NINE YEARS OLD! I tried to commit suiciced several times all of them mom never even knew about until last februray.

Last November was hard, like really really hard! All because of our huge fight! Dad, please don't be mad at me when I tell you the things I went through in this past year because I have literally been praying about telling you this for a very, very long time! And I think it's time to say that...Last December because of our fight I decided that i didn't want to be here anymore so I tried to commit suicide once again. I did that about 5 times last year and in February I got into cutting and did that only 2 times! I went to counciling because mom found out and I have hid that from you for months now! Don't get mad at mom for not telling you because, you didn't even tell me about you and Nancy getting a divorce. Dad I hope you realize by this letter how much this divorce has hurt me physically and mentally! It kills me not to have a dad every single morning because he doesn't live with me. Do kyou regret ever divorcing mom, just because of us? I didn't give you this letter during our dinner or after because I wasn't sure when to give it to you but when you read it. I am now saying I'M SORRY!!! FOR EVERYTHING!!! I JUST WANT MY DAD BACK! DO YOU HERE ME SCREAMING THESE WORDS TO YOU!!?? I HAVE WANTED A DAD EVER SINCE THE AGE OF SEVEN YEARS OLD!!!!! Do you understand why I have been hurting yet! I basically just told you right there if you didn't catch that! I REALY WANT A DAD AGAIN!!!!

It says in the Bibly that our parents should be encouraging us in the Bible! Dad? You need to teach me about God! I want you to think back...When was the last time that you had talked to me about God!?...Cause I know in my heart that I am hungry for more of Gods word I am totally and completely in love with God! I want you to be too! Because He is AMAZING!!! He has done so many amazing things in my life that have made me fall more and more in love with Him! He is an amazing God and I want you to experience what I have experienced!

I had an amazing time with you on Sunday! Good to just talk to my daddy once in a while! I'm happy about you and Jess she seems like a sweet girl with what you have said she is really pretty! and I hope you to are happy! :) 

I would love for you to help me out with some softball stuff and see if I can get signed up for some softball! I can't wait to meet Jess either! :) And I'm sorry bout the mixed emotions in this letter that I'm writing to you but I just have emotions about alot of things happy sad upset you name it!

I hope that our relationship gets better and better daddy! I love you!

I'm praying for you! 

Love your little girl,

Sarah

This is more difficult than what I actually thought...

1Peter3:3-4

A new Sarah, a new Lifee, and a new lovee!

Dear God,
So, I'm ready for that change that I asked for last weekend. Cause I am getting really sick and tired of this Sarah! I want to be the Sarah that really is happy and isn't just trying to 'Act' as a happy Sarah! The Sarah that I wanna be is beautiful on the inside and doesn't care about what she looks like on the outside! She is willing to serve you with her life and is ready to be put into the world to SERVE you! She looks at herself in the mirror every morning and sees you in her self not only do people see it but she also sees it!
So God, I AM READY!!!!! I really am!
Tomorrow is going to be a big day for me and my relationship with my dad and I imagine that you already saw this coming because you are after God! and Well, I am ready for a big fix in me and my relationship with my father because I'm tired of being hurt by him! and I already know that YOU win every single time.
My life is like a scale my relationship with you is on a high and I fall from something that is worldly and I really didn't want to happen, but I realize that the reason why those lows are in my life because I did it to myself because I took control of my life and said I got this I'm going to do this BY MYSELF! And it always ends up that I am most definitely WRONG! So tomorrow morning when I wake up Imma be a new Sarah because I'm tired of the old!
I need help God!

Lord please just help me!

Dear God, 

I am here on this earth wondering what your purpose is for me. When you say in the Bible that You have a plan and a purpose for me, plans to prosper and not to harm, plans for hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11. I get so incredibly stressed about "little tiny things" as some people would think or say. But, God you know that, that is not how I feel about those things. I want a better relationship with my dad, and ya I understand that you will do these things on your own time. But, I'm being hurt! ALOT! and I don't want to be hurt anymore! I want nothing more but to be close to you for the rest of my life I want to collide with you every single moment of my life. I don't just wanna have that I time collision with you during youth group, worship, church, ect. I want it ALL the time! I KNOW! that you are there and I KNOW you are loving me all the time! A never ending love! and I feel so cared for every single time I think that I am being loved by a God that created me! I'm being loved by a God that gives me life! I can't wait until the day when I see your beautiful face.

There are things that I'm very stressed about and God you know what they are. A few of the things are...my best friend is living with me..and even though to people it may seem that I am just a happy bubbly girl that loves you with all her heart. I am broken inside! and there is only one person that can fix me! That is You! I am ready to be fixed and changed! Cause I'm tired of this old Sarah! I'm ready for the new one! I want to be a witness to others for you to show others that i am happy cause I am alive! I am alive because I have you! I am going to serve you with my life and talk to mom more! and FIX all the broken relationships that I have in my life! But I can't do it by myself anymore I have to have your help! Lord I LOVE YOU!!!! With everything in me! I am totally and utterly in love with you! I pray that you will help me fix things! and to help me encourage more!

I love you Lord!

In your name I pray and ask these things Amen!

What is my blog about?

Well I'm extremely new at this and I think what I'm going to do with my blog is literally write love letters to God and I will be writing letters of prayer to Him as well! I'm really excited about this! and I hope this will be an encouragement to you all who ever you all are!